i’ve been mired in what i can only call despair. i wake to paralyzing dread most days, reeking of unwashed misery. paved-over pain rises in the night and strips me bare, like shredded sugarcane. still, i wrestle with my insecurities, afraid to be revealed as a paper tiger. try desperately to frame this struggle as yet another plot twist. end up asking a friend to pray for me, with all the shame of an atheist.
but at least i no longer swallow my fear. i am divorcing myself from the cult of achievement, letting go of immediacy. i take my affirmations home from therapy like party favours. sink into the words, stroke them like a beloved pet. i’m giving myself permission to be where i am. to not always know. i am participating in my pain, but also moments where i’m living my ancestors’ wildest dreams. tasting life’s various ecstasies. i’m trusting time’s invisible hand to work its magic without waiting. knowing i will rise to this occasion and more.